Issue 98, Volume 84 2003-2004
Government To Study Sex Lives of Snowy Plover
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Following several petitions and a lawsuit, the United States Fish and Wildlife Service said last week it would re-examine the status of the western snowy plover population - paying special attention the birds' sex lives.
IV goes dry
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Isla Vista residents gather on Sabado Tarde to attempt a Friday night party. The booze ban led to binge-studying and utter academic mayhem.
County To Deny Deli Mart's Liquor License
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
An Isla Vista convenience store will probably not receive an off-site liquor sales license, county officials said. There are currently six off-site liquor sales licenses issued in Isla Vista and approval of the I.V. Deli Mart's application would exceed the allotted limit of licenses for the area.
Man bites dog, makes news
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
In a stunning turn of events, Santa Barbara City Councilman Brian Barnwell returned to Alisos Street on Monday to seek revenge on the pit bull that caused minor lacerations to his buttocks in mid-February.
Students Oppose UC Policy Changes
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
A proposed revision to the University of California's policies on campus activities, organizations and student government has some students feeling censored by University administration.
Everybody needs some body sometimes
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
With budget cuts looming on the horizon, UCSB Student Health Service officials have been thinking outside the body bag in their search for a way to increase revenues.
Locals Donate Funds for Film Center
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
A planned public theater on campus will be known as Pollock Theater in honor of a Santa Barbara family that contributed $2 million to the project.
Election losers resort to meat, drugs, violence
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Mouths water and nostrils flare with every tender bite into one of Slick Gardner's burgers. At a makeshift stand erected on the front lawn of his ranch, meat patties sizzle in their crimson juices as Mr. Gardner, beer in one hand and spatula in the other, gazes into the distance.
I.V. Theater Hopes "Big Fish" Will Rekindle Its Magic
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
A new film series sponsored by the university will debut this Friday night in an attempt to diminish Del Playa Drive crowds and revive Isla Vista Theater's 70s "Magic Lantern" movie house heritage.
U.C. biologists deem Comm. Majors better than old rats
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Professors of biology Richard Star and Art Shandobil announced the unanimous results from an ethics meeting in which every invited UCSB professor declared future use of lab rats totally unsatisfactory. The Tuesday meeting lasted only 15 minutes but also yielded an alternative to the rats that all the attendees found acceptable - communication majors.
Womyn reclaim den of oppression
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
MCC welcomes corn-fed panel for honkey-talk
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
An event at the MultiCultural Center on Wednesday gave voice to a culture that has long been drowned out by polka-and-cheese stereotypes: the American Midwest.
Leg Council meets to discuss pressing issues
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
The first Spring Quarter meeting of Associated Students Legislative Council began with a 30-minute discussion of what proactive initiative toward a positive dialogue would best educate the students and raise awareness about the proposed acquisition of a second office hamster.
The degradation of today's generation
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
"Why are young people so insensitive?" asks longtime News-Piss reader Lammy Granville. Well, Lammy, probably something to do with budding, not-quite developed nervous systems. Oh wait, you meant socially.
Sleeping with the fishes
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Bite of the Angry Koala
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
We at The Koala hope this column will serve as a reminder to the Joel Galsters of the world that if you are an oblivious idiot, maybe you should consider whether 15 seconds of research and 10 seconds of thought might be appropriate before writing an opinion piece for a university newspaper.
Staff Editorial
Troy Revisted; parties are fun
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
A.S. has really done it this time. The University of California's credit rating has now dropped below even the state of California's - lower than any individual UCSB student.
The Wednesday Hump
Perfecting the Art of Post-Sex Pillow Talk
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Anyone who has ever been around here March through June should know about the mad rush of people looking to get action on a daily basis during this time. If you haven't, you are in for a treat. Spring Quarter pheromones are more prevalent in the air than pollen.
The Thursday Corset
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
It has come to my attention that a significant number of my peers are fornicating premaritally. Upon discovering this, I was shocked and alarmed, and I wondered what foul design is influencing this behavior.
The Artful Dodger: Leno Earns Big Bucks While Others Take It on the Chin
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
TV reminds me that the world is unjust. Everyday I watch the news and hear from Mr. Newsie Newsman that innocents die in terrorist attacks, that the financial chasm between the rich and the poor widens steadily and that the space marble called Earth inches toward self-imposed environmental self-obliteration.
San Nic Dicks and Paranoid Chicks: More Rants From a Freshman
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
This is something I hate more than anything else. I hate when, for example, I'm about to walk into San Nicolas Residence Hall, but before I go inside, I yell to a bunch of guys playing football on the lawn, "Hey throw me the ball."
Zebras belong at the alphabet's end
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
I hate Zebras. I really do. They're a sad excuse for an animal adapted to live on the harsh African plains. They're not horses.
Gays should marry men, not me
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
With all this hubbub about gay marriage, I feel like voicing my opinion. I, for one, wish gays could get married, if only so they'd stop marrying me.
Treat my fun bags with respect
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
As a feminist, I am offended by any slang term referring to the female breast. Kindly never print the following words in your fine publication: titties, knockers, hooters, headlights, fun bags, jugs, meat balloons, yabbos, sweater cows, blouse bunnies, Dolly Partons, yum-yum dumplings and milk melons.
Baseball: Wilkerson Powers UCSB to Big Win
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Over the past week, it has seemed as if Santa Barbara (17-10) hasn't been playing fairly, bringing whole sheets of aluminum up to hit against pitchers who are lobbing volleyballs.
Spring football: a Spring in their step
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
While the baseball season hits its stretch-drive just down the street, the scent of pigskin can be detected in the air. The daunting UCSB football team dusts off antiquated equipment and laces up cleats as spring practice begins at Harder Stadium.
Alpine Racing: Gauchos Snag Five Titles During National Championships in Maine
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
UCSB's alpine racing team captured five individual and team national championships on March 1-6 at the US Collegiate Ski and Snowboard Association's national championship, held in Sugarloaf, Maine.
Baseball: A-Rod dealt to Santa Barbara
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
In an unprecedented deal, the New York Yankees dealt newly acquired third baseman Alex Rodriguez to UCSB for two 2005 first round, rule five draft picks and one player to be named later.
Intramurals: Gaucho club sucks, races way to Western Regionals
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
The underground has cleaned up. Extreme vacuum racing has surfaced at UCSB as an official coed club sport and has established itself as one of Santa Barbara's premier clubs.
Dreary Yiri
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Some dreams just don't make any sense. For UCSB exchange student Yiri Federchofk, they make all the sense in the world. And this spring, they will come true.
Shake Time
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
On Correction days I like to point out things in the community that I feel need correcting. Isla Vista is ridiculously dry right now, and I'm not talking about lack of rain.