This past Tuesday the Daily Nexus published its Best of 2012 issue. Readers voted on the best restaurants, locations and establishments of 2012. Today we have our own edition — The Best and Worst of 2012: The Forgotten Categories.

Best Place for Guaranteed Diarrhea: Naan Stop

If you’re looking for a long night on the toilet, why not stop by Naan Stop? Their bold flavors set them apart from the normal I.V. dining experience, with a wide selection of vegetarian and chicken dishes, always served with a side of naan. Naan Stop’s food has the uncanny ability to exit your body with the exact amount of moisture and texture that it entered with.

Best Place to Meet Members of the Opposite Sex: Isla Vista Neighborhood Clinic

Where better to spark a new romantic flame than Isla Vista Neighborhood Clinic? Once you meet and click with that special someone, you can send sext messages until you’ve completed your full course of antibiotics. Then let the fun begin. Conveniently located next to a dumpster and the hottest homeless hangout spot in town, it’s the ideal spot to meet the love of your life.

Continue reading...

Prompted by three recent acts of terrorism in the UCSB community, the student body has fallen under scrutiny from the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security. Reporters have learned that these agencies are tapping the phones and monitoring the text messages of all UCSB students under the provisions of the Patriot Act of 2001. FBI agent Jack Briggs explained that this invasion of privacy is justified in the name of public safety.

“It is very important to prevent another arson attempt,” Briggs said. “We ask students who may be innocent to sacrifice their privacy temporarily to aid us in this mission.”

While the FBI continues its investigation, agents seem more interested in gossiping about UCSB students than solving the case.

“This wiretap case is like a reality show,” Briggs said. “Ever since ‘Kourtney and Kim Take New York’ ended I have been itching for some entertainment.”

The FBI has been taking internal bets about whether or not sophomore Joey Ramis will get back together with freshman Brianna Smith. Briggs said the office is quite divided over the matter.

Continue reading...

As the New York Giants prepare to face off with the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl for the second time in five years, Eli Manning’s leadership is being questioned by his own teammates due to his constant shit-eating grin and unbelievably annoying facial expression.

Victor Cruz, breakout wide receiver, doesn’t doubt Manning’s abilities as a quarterback, only his ability as a leader.

“Eli’s a great guy, and he’s a wonderful QB. His ability to read defenses at the line of scrimmage is unparalleled,” Cruz said. “I can count on his passes with a tight spiral and right on schedule, but goddammit there is something about his face that just pisses me off. I get distracted in the huddle sometimes because his face is just begging to be slapped.”

“As a defensive player it doesn’t really affect me as much because he doesn’t lead our group,” added defensive end Osi Umenyiora. “But from my perspective, I can see the Patriots’ defense getting an extra boost of confidence with Eli out there looking like he’s about to cry.”

Running back Ahmad Bradshaw said he is often distracted by the fact that Manning looks as if he has soiled himself.

Continue reading...

When you get betrayed, it is best not to let your emotions get the best of you. Even though my emotions are still raw, I am taking this opportunity to vent.

Recently I was left heartbroken by someone that I admired. It was almost too good to be true. Living in dense and crowded Isla Vista leads to the occasional glimpse of your neighbors, but I got to see her every day. I was in love immediately and our relationship flourished for three wonderful months.

Things were going so well until one week ago, when the love of my life closed her blinds. This experience led me to ask the question: What went wrong? Let’s break it down.

They say that giving gifts is a great way to keep a relationship strong. But now that it’s over it’s like my hair doll and weekly blood offerings weren’t enough.

Others say relationship problems arise from a lack of communication. Not mine. I made a point to write love notes every day on her bathroom mirror with lipstick. How could the problem be communication when I called her every day just to hear her voice on her answering machine? Plus, I left long messages of me breathing heavily just to show how much I care.

Continue reading...

I am writing this piece to thank the students in my Economics 157 class who opened their hearts and bailed me out during a rough time. It all started a couple of years ago when I lost a lot of money in the real estate crash. I was under a lot of stress — the poor economy was putting a strain on my marriage and tearing my family apart. Financial realities hit hard when my wife and I realized that my 50th birthday party would have to be held at my home rather than on a chartered yacht like we planned. At one point I came dangerously close to turning off the heat for my spa. I had to endure the disappointed look on my 16-year-old daughter’s face when I told her we would have to sell our second home in Aspen.

Continue reading...

Recent allegations against Jerry Sandusky and the surrounding scandal at Penn State have been a wake-up call for UCSB administrators.

“This school simply cannot afford to endure a sexual abuse scandal right now,” Jason Appelstien, the university’s general counsel, warned.

Officials have already taken strong measures to prevent sexual activity of any kind. Student Health isdispensing free chastity belts for women and chemical castrations for men. Additionally, UCSB has fired all male employees with a mustache and all Ford Econoline vans have also been banned from campus.

Athletes and coaches have been the most vocal opponents of the new rules.

“These rules have eliminated the good old fashioned homoeroticism that is so vital to the success of any sports team,” complained baseball coach Bill Brown. “I can’t even give my players a slap on the butt for encouragement, let alone approach them from behind to adjust their batting stance.”

To avoid any potential promiscuity, floors six through eight of the Davidson Library have been boarded up. Additionally, officials have shut down the showers in all dorms and locker rooms on campus.

Continue reading...

Amidst growing pressure from protesters, the UC Regents unanimously passed a measure that raises the fees of the top one percent most beautiful students by $400 per quarter. The protestors, who have been hosting large-scale protests since September, have picketed outside beauty salons, designer shoe stores and sorority houses advocating for a plan that would place more of the burden of UC budget cuts on the UC’s sexiest students.

“We speak for the 99 percent ugliest students on the UC campuses,” Jane Plain — a lazy-eyed protestor with bad breath — said. “The super-hot have been taking advantage of honest, unattractive students for too long. They already enjoy the benefits of a more fulfilling social life, an exciting sex life and preferential treatment from professors. Plus, they don’t need that extra $400 per quarter because they can probably get other people to buy stuff for them.”

The generally hideous board of UC Regents released this prepared statement upon passage of the bill: “This measure will not affect normal UC students. The only students that this will affect are so sexy that you can’t even talk to them because you’re afraid you’re going to get a hard-on. I’m talking solid tens. The type of people who walk in a room and all you can do is say DAYUM to your friend sitting next to you. These people haven’t had to pay for anything their whole lives, and it’s time they give something back to the University of California.”

Continue reading...

Isla Vista will hold its annual festival for gold diggers tonight and throughout the weekend. Sources confirm that thousands of scantily clad ladies will roam the streets of Isla Vista looking for men who can support them financially, and shower them with extravagant gifts.

Future trophy wife Anna Lane couldn’t contain her excitement at the prospect of meeting wealthy men.

“Are you kidding me? All the richest guys come to this festival,” Lane said. “Last year I met Batman. Have you seen Wayne Manor? It’s huge.”

Other local gold diggers shared Anna’s enthusiasm.

“I’m gonna meet the wealthy man of my dreams,” Stacy Morgan said. “Last year I met a rich astronaut. His name is Iron Man and he owns a Fortune 500 company. Plus, I heard a rumor that both Mario and Luigi will attend this year’s festival, and everyone knows that plumbers make a shit-ton of money.”

Sources say that the women attending the festival will be compelled to dress like skanks in order to compete for the attention of wealthy superheroes and other guys who were in movies or on TV. Notable rich guys that will be attending this year’s festival include Hugh Hefner, the male cast members of the “Jersey Shore,” the ghost/zombie version of Michael Jackson and Captain Jack Sparrow.

Continue reading...

An Associated Students Legislative Council session could not proceed yesterday due to the fact that every member is currently in custody at Santa Barbara County Jail for various criminal activities. A.S. will not be able to reconvene until all their members are bailed out.

Reporters from The Morning Stack were given exclusive access to interview the incarcerated students. One representative, Joe Grayson, expressed his eagerness to get back to his duty as a student representative.

“I’m excited to get back to A.S. because it feels good to help make UCSB a better place,” Grayson said. “One of the first things we have to do is sort out our budget. When I get bailed out I’m gonna make that budget my bitch just like I made ‘Skinny Bones Jones’ my bitch when I first got locked up.”

On another note, A.S. members uniformly denied any wrongdoing surrounding the recent controversy over whether the A.S. members who hold dual positions cause a conflict of interest.

Continue reading...

As a police officer, I am sworn to protect and serve the community. And, although I am a professional who wouldn’t let anything get in the way of my duty, I wish the community would show a bit more gratitude. Sometimes it feels like nobody wants me around.

For example, last Saturday night I was cruising down DP and it was poppin’. Parties everywhere. Loud music. It looked like a blast. But, despite the abundance of parties, I was not invited to a single one.

I’m still young — it wasn’t too long ago that I myself was in college. I used to be the life of the party; girls loved me and I could drink anyone under the table. Now, every time I walk into a party, the host will slam their door, shut their blinds and hide their beer.

Truthfully, it really hurts my feelings, and it’s not fair because I work so hard to protect these people. I’m only 26 years old and I am still cool. I went to a hip-hop concert last week and I’m down with dubstep. So I guess I am writing this to say to anyone throwing a party: If you see me, give me a chance, because I’m totally ready to rage and I can make your party more fun.

Let me start by saying that I am the house dog and a proud member of the Pi Omega Omega Pi fraternity. I love all my brothers and I know that one day those guys will be the groomsmen at my wedding. In fact, my boy Parker will probably be my best man. However, sometimes I feel like we need to grow up a bit and take life a little more seriously.

Last year it was totally cool. I was 21 years old and loved nothing more than to drink cheap beer and chase tail with my bros. But this year — now that I’m 28 — I feel like I need to face the real world.

Also, some of the sorority girls that we hang out with are a bit immature for my taste. Don’t get me wrong, I love bitches, but I want to find one I could settle down with, maybe even raise a litter or two. We could go to a nice Italian restaurant and perhaps share a plate of spaghetti and a nice bottle of wine rather than the same old burritos and beer.

Continue reading...

Statewide budget cuts have put pressure on almost every department of UCSB. Even our most successful sports programs have recently found themselves strapped for cash. But, by a stroke of luck, the UCSB volleyball team was approached by Barry Mills, leader of the white supremacist gang the Aryan Brotherhood. Mills told reporters that his organization was “searching for the whitest people in the world in order to store their DNA and ensure the continuance of the white race.”

“I am very pleased with the genetics of the players, who are almost uniformly blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans — and, as an added bonus, these boys average 6’5,” he said. “If we ever have to repopulate the white race, I hope the new spawns will be as pure-blooded and strong as these fine young men.”

Volleyball Head Coach Ron O’Hare was thrilled about the influx of cash. “I think we could use the money to improve our facilities, and that’s really great because we will be able to attract better recruits,” he said.

The Aryan Brotherhood reportedly bought the DNA as an insurance policy in case blacks, Jews, Latinos and mixed race people take over the world.

Continue reading...

Sources have confirmed that the Lagoon and Storke Tower “hooked up” for the first time this past Saturday night. The two were seen canoodling outside a party at their mutual friend Campbell Hall’s house. Friends of the Lagoon say that she was initially attracted to Storke Tower’s imposing physical stature.

“He’s even bigger than you think,” the Lagoon said.

Friends of the Lagoon believe it is only a matter of time until the two are an item. However, the Lagoon expressed concern about whether it could work out due to their radically different upbringings.

“My parents are very traditional and I’m worried about whether they could accept a mixed relationship,” the Lagoon said. “There are so many forces working against a romance between a manmade structure and a geological formation, even in this day and age, but I really hope it works out.”

Unfortunately, Storke Tower did not seem to share the same level of enthusiasm about the budding romance. “The Lagoon is a nice girl. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely had fun Saturday, but I don’t know if she’s ‘girlfriend’ material,” Storke Tower explained to reporters. “She’s cute but she just looks kind of dirty most of the time.”

Continue reading...