Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers narrowly missed an opportunity to reenact their favorite Bay Watch scene this weekend when an inebriated male loudly proclaimed he would brave the icy waters near the Camino Pescadero beach entrance.

At approximately 1:16 a.m. Monday morning, Sheriff’s deputies responded to a 9-1-1 call from two females concerned for their friend’s welfare. According to witness reports, the 19-year-old male said he was going for a quick dip in the Pacific. However, his friends’ reported they were confident he did not know how to swim and forgot his floaties at home.

After arriving on the 6500 block of Del Playa, officers attempted to prevent the subject from going down to the beach and escort him back to a securely landlocked patrol car. However, the aquatics enthusiast resisted officers’ attempts to shepherd him away from the sea, proclaiming his desire to “look at the offshore oil rigs”.

Officers reported the subject’s decibel level rarely dropped below shouting volume. Despite the risk of ruptured eardrums, IVFP learned from the would-be-merman he had consumed “about 4 beers” after suffering estrangement from his significant other.

IVFP eventually managed to get the subject into a patrol car. The wannabe Phelps was booked for public intoxication.

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Following a somewhat high-speed chase through the streets of Isla Vista, I.V. Foot Patrol officers apprehended a suspect — dressed, painted and hair-sprayed entirely green — on suspicion of public intoxication and disorderly conduct shortly after midnight on Nov. 1.

After the jolly green reveler noticed that he had caught the attention of local authorities, he strolled into oncoming traffic in opposition to officers’ requests that he accompany them to the curb for a sobriety test and narrowly avoided being struck by a westbound vehicle. The emerald escapist then fled on foot up Del Playa Drive, promptly colliding with a stop sign on the corner of Camino Pescadero.

However, the Green Lantern never gives up without a fight and, in a superhuman feat of agility, remained upright and continued his flight with several deputies in pursuit.

Perhaps in the hope that his green face paint and hair coloring would serve as better camouflage off the street, the fleet-footed suspect sought refuge in a nearby residence on DP. As the cops followed him into the house, he made a ninja turtle-worthy leap over the back fence into another nearby residence.

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While trick-or-ticketing the fertile hunting grounds of Del Playa Drive this weekend, Santa Barbara Sheriff’s deputies stumbled upon an 18-year-old man in possession of a criminal quantity of Halloween spirit.

Officers approached the suspect on the corner of DP and Camino Del Sur after noticing the savage’s attempt to hide a distinctive blue bottle — later identified as a partially-empty fifth of Skyy Pineapple vodka — behind his back.

While the exact wording of the officer’s salutation remains unknown, the cliché “reach for the Skyy, punk” would have likely been applicable as the man initially resisted deputies’ efforts to remove the precious nectar from his possession. Summoning his inner wild side, the juiced juvenile used the bottle as his personal machete and took a determined swing at one officer. While Pineapple Skyy may be good at knocking out freshmen just graduating from wine coolers, it was significantly less effective on trained law enforcement officials; the suspect was quickly disarmed and muzzled up with a personal pair of handcuffs.

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During a nightly stroll through Camino Pescadero Park on the 6500 Block of Del Playa Drive at around 11 p.m. on Friday, deputies happened upon a young female giving a golden shower to the grass — and her hands, feet and legs — against the fence of the park.

When asked for identification, the mysterious woman began handing officers trash from the bottom of her purse and then offered up her camera in the hopes her latest materials for a wittily-titled Facebook album could serve as proper photographic identification.

Although she initially denied having consuming any alcoholic beverages, the sodden Swede eventually conceded she had “a few shots of liquor” as she struggled to stay upright en route to a seat on a nearby bench.

The situation continued to worsen as IVFP deputies arrested her for public intoxication due to her spectacular failure at spelling her own first name (switching some Ds with Ts and missing a few crucial vowels). The young lady attempted to remain optimistic, yelling “we will have fun,” albeit while crying, in an attempt to rally her entourage of, well, no one.

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Stupid is as stupid (and Bacardi) does…

Saturday, Feb. 19 —

Deputies were on patrol on the 6500 block of Del Playa Rd. in the wee hours of the morning when they noticed a lone lady stumbling down the street.
The concerned cops asked if the woman knew where she was going, and she assured them that she was going to turn right and continue walking two blocks — which the cops couldn’t help but point out would lead her straight into the ocean.
The sassy chick sloppily snickered, admitted she had four cocktails, some of which mayyyyybe had Bacardi in them.
When officers learned that the drunken damsel in distress was without a cell phone, a benevolent copper offered to help her call a friend. When the little lost lady admitted that she did not know of any to call, the officers asked if she at least knew the address she was trying to find.
“Why would I know the address by heart?” she asked.
She went on to say she was with some friends earlier in the night, but was separated due to a power outage — falling trees are such a buzzkill.
“How could I see anybody?” she asked in all seriousness.
The officers were no longer feeling sorry for this dunce and asked her to recite the alphabet. She huffed and she puffed, but all she could blow out were the letters “ORX, YMZ and WXYMZ.”
According to the police report, the woman could not successfully perform the small task “despite her being in college.”
Officers arrested the boozy bimbo for public intoxication — and for wasting money and resources on higher education — and booked her in Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed pending sobriety.

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Free Willy
Feb. 12, 1:41 a.m. — Officers came across a man screaming, “Fuck the free world!” on the corner of Embarcadero del Mar and Seville Road. The deputies watched in a daze, wondering if they had been teleported back to a ’60s anti-realism brigade, as three cars did their best to maneuver around the individual. Suddenly, the wild man dropped his trousers, flashing the drivers as he laughed and continued yelling. The officers approached and tried not to look at his flaccid free willy swinging about. The cops struggled to sit the manic man down, catching him as he nearly face-planted in the middle of the street. Once seated, the individual explained that hewas merely a film studies major searching for inspiration for a new movie.
This guy clearly had not checked his calendar to remind himself that today was “no one gives a shit about your ridiculous ideas” day.
The man continued to say he was from out of town and not familiar with I.V., as if that was a legitimate excuse to drop his pants in the middle of a busy intersection. Eventually, he confessed to drinking and was taken to Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

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The Santa Barbara City
Council voted against a proposal
to rotate benches on
State Street as a panhandling
deterrent during their Tuesday
meeting.

The $50,000 project was
called for by local business
owners concerned about
excessive homeless solicitation.
The failed plan included
moving trashcans, bike racks,
newspaper stands and 14
benches currently located on
the 800 and 900 blocks of
the downtown Santa Barbara
street in order to make the
fixtures less desirable to and
convenient for panhandlers.
The council decided to
drop the proposal and revisit
it next year after hearing from
representatives from the city’s
Redevelopment Agency and
Downtown Organization and community members.
According to Santa Barbara City Council member
Randy Rowse, the proposal did not adequately address
the problems concerning the area’s transient population.
“Focusing on the homeless as panhandlers is what
takes efforts away from really needy homeless,” Rowse
said. “However, the panhandling that damages businesses
takes away tax money that funds homeless issues
… it really is a self-defeating issue.”

The Downtown Organization and Santa Barbara
City Redevelopment Agency began discussing the proposal
in early January.
Despite the council’s concerns, Bill Collyer of the
Downtown Organization said the project was intended
to increase tourism and business rather than address
the needs of the homeless.

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Shocking, but True…

Saturday, January 22, 2:15 a.m. — While strolling by Anisq’ Oyo’ Park, an Isla Vista Foot Patrol officer noticed a particularly intoxicated individual stumbling about with a white paper bag in hand.

Upon being approached, the man hastily turned in the opposite direction, threw his bag of uneaten food on the ground and bolted.

The eco-friendly officer, outraged at the apparent environmental apathy, called after the dumping drunk to pick up his trash. However, the more the officer called, the faster the man ran and flailed his way toward Camino Pescadero.

A concerned on-looker — secretly looking to fulfill his fantasy of replacing Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man for the upcoming film — climbed a wall and leapt down to block the marathon man and bring him to justice.

Once the sloppy suspect was cornered, the deputy yelled for the individual to show himself multiple times before drawing his taser, giving the suspect three zaps and successfully showing the Spidey wanna-be a thing or two about catching criminals.

With shame in his eyes and some vomit by his feet, the litterbug realized he was about to be crushed by the foot of the law and admitted to excessive alcohol consumption.

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Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Drunkest of Them All?

Friday, November 12, 12 a.m. — After a long night of drinking, two men attempted to drag their very, very inebriated brosef home.

When deputies contacted the staggering man, he did what every drunken person should never do in the presence of an authority figure — unzip his pants. The man showed deputies his penis, as if the size would get him out of trouble, and proceeded to urinate on a parked car.

Unimpressed, deputies told the man to take a seat on the curb. This task, however, was too insulting for the unruly urinator, who decided that he would try to take one of the deputies’ guns instead.

He was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Who Ordered the Meatball Special?

Monday, November 8, 7:30 p.m. — A group of women sat down at Silvergreens to have a meal when they received an unexpected side order.

The flustered females contacted deputies reporting that a homeless man — whom they called “Creepy Pants” — had entered the restaurant and proceeded to flop his penis on the backs of chairs.

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CSI: Crime Scene Intoxication

Saturday, October 9, 11:59 p.m. — Three cops were departing from a fire scene on the 6700 block of Del Playa when an odd spectacle drew their attention.

A 19-year-old male had become ensnared in the yellow police tape encircling the emergency area. Trapped and confused, the SBCC student managed to envelop his entire body in the yellow web before staggering into the street with 50 feet of police tape trailing behind.

Although the tangled teen insisted that he leave on his own, deputies didn’t think it was likely that he would get too far on his own.

He was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety and some serious detangling.

Feisty in Fur

Friday, October 15, 11:25 p.m. — Officers were dispatched to the 66-block of Sueno after receiving reports of a 19-year old female in a fur coat throwing bottles in the street.

Upon arriving, they noticed a large amount of broken glass in the road and soon spotted the fur-clad suspect. Cops sat the gaudy gal on the curb and, after she was unable to successfully complete the first half of the ABCs or even tell the deputies where she lived, called in a cop car to transport the bottle-tossing babe.

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“Big Brother is watching!”

Friday, September 24, 10:38 a.m. — Three cops were conducting uniformed patrol on the 6500 block of Del Playa when a skateboarder whizzed by holding a partially full Jose Cuervo bottle in his hand. Officers sprang into action, but the deft boarder evaded capture by weaving in and out of pedestrian traffic. Assuming he was a free man, the 22-year-old out-of-towner stopped on the side of the street close to the 6600 block in order to put his bottle in his backpack, where deputies caught up with him.

Inside the busted suspect’s backpack, cops found the opened booze in addition to a prescription bottle with one muscle relaxant pill inside. The prescription was written for a different drug and, to make matters worse, was in a woman’s name.

The belligerent boarder was subsequently placed under arrest, and immediately started shouting that the officers were going to steal his electronics. In a valiant attempt to protect his property, the man lay on the ground and refused to get up. After three minutes, he finally agreed to walk to the transportation area, but not before he managed to spit at the cops and scream, “1984!”

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Burglars struck nearly three-dozen Isla Vista residences in the month of July, often entering through unlocked doors to take computers and other electronic devices.

Although many Isla Vista residents have left the area for the summer, contributing to overall lower crime rates, Isla Vista Foot Patrol Sergeant Ray Vuillemainroy said the number of thefts has been similar to periods of time in the spring when the community is fully populated with students. In addition to the 35 residential burglaries in the month of July, the IVFP also received 28 reports of miscellaneous burglary and two reports of auto burglary, Vuillemainroy said.

“The biggest crimes we have been seeing this summer are burglaries,” Vuillemainroy said. “A lot of this happens while kids are out partying and having fun, forgetting to lock their doors and take their keys. … Students need to make sure that they have the keys to their residences every time they leave in order to prevent crime.”

One of the first burglaries of the month took place on July 3, when a victim awoke to the sound of footsteps in his apartment on the 800 block of Embarcadero del Norte. The resident saw a thief using the light of a cell phone to navigate the apartment before making off with a flat screen television and a computer.

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All that glitters is not gold…

Friday, May 28, 11:49 p.m. — While Isla Vista’s finest were cruising down the 6700 block of Sabado Tarde Road in a patrol vehicle, they noticed a male UCSB student lying on top of a bike in the middle of the street.

Two girls were helping the 19-year-old off the ground, who had somehow managed to misplace his shirt and was covered with glitter paint across his entire face and body. Deputies approached the Good Samaritans, who noted that they didn’t know their new shimmer-coated comrade.

Cops asked the glittery Gaucho if he was alright and if he had fallen off of his bicycle, to which he was merely able to nod in response. Upon questioning, the sloshed student said that he thought he had taken a tumble on Del Playa Drive and that it was 2 a.m. He couldn’t tell the officers where he lived and was also incapable of standing upright without leaning on the patrol vehicle for balance.

Because the twinkling teenager was unable to care for his own safety, he was arrested and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

The Saga of the Sloshed Slug

Sunday, May 16, 12:22 a.m. — While on patrol, officers spotted a pair of inebriated lovebirds smooching against a parked car on the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive. The female — a UC Santa Cruz student — propped her leg up on the hood of the vehicle and decided to try out a new seduction technique by sliding her leg and foot along the car.

Officers approached the love-struck pair and asked if the car belonged to them, which it didn’t. Because the drunken duo was in the company of friends, the officer asked for them to leave.

However, as the group began to walk off, the lady Banana Slug turned around, ran back and flipped off the officer. The girl, who reports say was of Caucasian descent, then began to scream, “Fuck you, motherfuckers, you racist fuckers.”

Despite her wild antics, the friends continued walking without a hitch.

Based on the out-of-towner’s actions and her friends’ blatant inaction, officers decided that she was unable to care for her own safety and arrested her.

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The Isla Vista Foot Patrol responded to burglaries, vandalism and several alcohol-related fights this weekend.

Early Saturday morning, deputies found a bloodied man at the corner of Camino Pescadero and Sabado Tarde Road. IVFP Deputy Freddy Padilla said the individual had passed out in the street after a fight. The victim was rushed to the hospital after brief questioning.

“The victim said he was knocked out cold, and deputies saw blood was on his mouth,” Padilla said. “The officers noted that the victim appeared highly intoxicated.”

An hour later, deputies responded to another fight that began when an intoxicated man was attacked while sleeping on his couch at home.

“The victim was passed out on the living room couch,” Padilla said. “An unknown male attacked him while he was on the couch and hit him multiple times in the face.”

According to Padilla, the fight was instigated earlier in the evening when the victim of the fight assaulted the attacker’s girlfriend.

“She was at a party and was kneed in the abdomen by the male victim,” Padilla said.

Padilla said because the suspect fled the scene after the attack, authorities have been unable to identify him.

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