Welcome back, everyone. I hope you all had a delicious winter break filled with fun and carelessness because I worked two jobs to afford living in this over-priced wasteland. But I’m not bitter. No my friends, I am enlightened.

After many New Year’s Eve drinks and my midnight kiss, my friends and I flagged down cab after cab only to find ourselves being pulled home by a bicyclist and his cart. As he pedaled us from the James Joyce past the freeway, he casually brought up that he recently graduated from UCSB and is having a hard time finding work. I thought to myself, “If I ever wind up pulling drunken idiots home on New Year’s Eve, I will jump off of the highest building I can find.” Then I realized I’ll never have to make that jump because the world is going to end no matter where I am in 11 months. Suddenly working retail during break didn’t seem so bad.

I should be concerned that the thought of the end of the world was comforting, but I like to think I’m a glass half-full kind of a gal. I finally understood what R.E.M. meant when they sang, “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.” Instead of building bomb shelters or stocking up on survival kits, I made a vow to enjoy more art during 2012.

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Southern California rock band Cockeyed Optimist will perform for UCSB next Monday as part of A.S. Program Board’s free afternoon concert series.

Hailing from Orange County, the four-piece band is travelling to different colleges along the coast, stopping in Santa Barbara between gigs at Mira Costa College and the University of LaVerne. All in their early 20s, CEO said they are excited to play to a crowd of their peers.

CEO includes Cynda Renae on lead vocals and songwriter, Sean Pierce Johnson on guitar and Renae’s songwriting partner, Jimmy Lee on drums and Eric Feliciano on the bass.

Renae describes CEO’s music as “real,” basing her songs off of past events. Even the name of the band, taken from the musical “South Pacific,” reflects her attitude about life — staying positive even when the world around you seems to be crumbling.

“I started writing the music myself after going through a traumatic, life-altering experience,” Renae said. “I write to emotionally heal.”

She said her songwriting process has evolved since she first started writing in 2008, and she is now able to draw inspiration from everyday circumstances. Renae and Johnson, who met at the Musicians Institute in Hollywood, work well together when formulating lyrics.

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Nothing is better than kick-ass live music and good-hearted people. Blitzen Trapper and Dawes infused SOhO with passion, energy and heart last Saturday, giving the sold-out crowd a night not to be forgotten.

Smoke Fairies, a female duo from England, layered pretty vocal harmonies with classic rock vibes to kick off the night. While they were charming, the sheer sweetness of their sound wasn’t enough to keep the audience enthralled. The two women seemed to lack energy and looked despondent. Perhaps this was supposed to be a part of their appeal, as they were successful in differentiating themselves from other female rock groups. Their album, Through Low Light and Trees is worth a listen, though, as the women were able to produce some impressive musical content.

After the Smoke Fairies’ 30-minute set, Oregon-based group Blitzen Trapper came onto the stage and wasted no time in starting their incredible performance. Playing songs from their new album, American Goldwing and off old favorites such as “Furr,” the co-headliner engaged the audience with their alternative country/folk sound, laced heavily with musical influences from the ’70s. Eric Earley, lead singer and lyricist, writes most of the band’s music and captivates his crowd with his Bob Dylan-esque vocals, raw guitar playing and uncanny ability to play the harmonica. Erik Menteer, Brian Adrian Koch, Michael VanPelt and Marty Marquis completed the sound with their guitar, drum, bass, keyboard and vocal accompaniment.

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Thirty minutes after curtain call, Musica Angelica finally started Michael Sturminger’s show, “Infernal Comedy — Confessions of a Serial Killer”, with their beautiful performance of C.W. Gluck’s “Don Juan.”

The orchestra, who played with great passion and energy, was brilliantly conducted by Martin Haselbock.

As the musicians swayed with each crescendo, working their way into a forte, John Malkovich walked onto the stage, adorned with only a desk, lamp, a stack of autobiographies and the orchestra, to an eruption of applause. Early in the play he told the audience, “I’ve never been able to tell the truth,” setting up the tone for the evening.

Malkovich, who played the deceased Austrian serial killer Jack Unterweger who came back to life to promote his autobiography, stopped the orchestra and demanded the audience’s attention so he could introduce himself.

Because the orchestra was on stage during the entire performance, Malkovich had the opportunity to interact with the musicians. This created a special dynamic that is rare in many operas and musical theater performances, allowing Malkovich’s character to develop a more human aspect as the audience watched him struggle to communicate with the outside world.

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Irish singer-songwriter Lisa Hannigan played to a full house at SOhO on Saturday night. Dressed in an emerald dress and stylish boots, she looked as beautiful as the music she performed.

Many of the songs Hannigan played were from her sophomore album, Passenger, which was released on Sept. 20 in both the U.S. and Canada. Lisa said her inspiration for the album came from traveling.

“I actually was on the road for the writing of the record,” Hannigan said during an interview over the phone. “That was the biggest over-arching theme: being away from home and being in a different place. There was a lot of nostalgia that came with being away from home; it makes me think of times past and reminds you of all the stuff you can take with you through life.”

This theme was especially apparent in the songs, “Home,” “Passenger,” “Nowhere to Go,” “Paper House” and “Safe Travels (Don’t Die).”

All of her songs were played with passion and elegance, and her flawless vocals filled the entire room and the hearts of all in it.

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The Isla Vista Foot Patrol and UCSB Associated Students recently announced a significant decrease in the number of burglaries in the area since the “Stop Burglaries in I.V.” campaign began six months ago.

The IVFPD documented 107 burglaries since the program was implemented on March 17, 49 fewer than the 156 reported residential burglaries that occurred during the same six-month period in 2010. The IVFPD organized the collaborative anti-theft effort in response to the community’s concerns regarding the prevalence of robberies over the past several years.

According to IVFPD Lieutenant Ray Vuillemainroy, local businesses and organizations have responded enthusiastically to the campaign’s educational efforts including passing out sticker refrigerator magnets with the program’s logo.

“It’s a total community program,” Vuillemainroy said. “A.S., IVFP, businesses — together we’re making a difference.”

Despite the correlation between the campaign’s timing and the 30 percent decrease in burglaries, Vuillemainroy said there is not enough conclusive information to determine whether the campaign’s efforts definitively caused the decline.

“It’s still too early to tell if the decrease in burglaries is due to the campaign, but I think the drop in burglaries will continue throughout this coming year,” Vuillemainroy said.

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Several UCSB alumni recently launched a revised version of their Isla Vista-specific social networking website, Stampur.com.

Stampur.com Chief Executive Officer Scott Antipa, Chief Technological Officer Kyle Ibrahim and Max — who asked that his last name be omitted — developed the site to connect students to each other based on shared interests. The group previously developed a similar online network called MySoapBox.com last year.

According to Antipa, the website connects individuals in the community based on their similarities rather than the company they keep.

“Things like Facebook and Twitter put you in touch with people you already know, but what about the billions of people you don’t know?” Antipa, said. “The idea is you can connect with people like your neighbors, or if you’re out at the library or a coffee shop, you can connect with the people around you.”

The site provides a forum for people to post study groups, hiking trips, parties and other social events through a virtual stamp collection system. Users collect stamps into their personalized stamp book to organize their interests and can then create or receive event invitations only sent to people with the same stamp.

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Welcome to Isla Vista, home to thousands and land of the free-spirited. People travel far and wide to this beach paradise for vacation, and you get to live here. Yes, there is booze galore, gorgeous people everywhere you turn, late night snacks and breathtaking scenery. But, my dear friends, you can’t have the sweet without the sour — kickass living also attracts some creepy-ass people.

Think of every cheesy, teenage horror film you have seen. Now replace the suburban neighborhood with a small beach town, and voilà, you’re in I.V. on the weekend.

Last Friday started like any other. Residential foundations shook from the deafening amount of bass permeating from every other house party with a DJ — or realistically any house with a computer, speakers and a drunk asshole insistent that he is the next Tiësto — and the amount of sexual tension floating through the air made it hard to breathe.

All seemed well in the land of twentysomethings. The dresses were short, the heels were high; the tank tops and True Religions were plentiful. Yet on the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive lurked a sight so horrifying, it even scared away a family of skunks: a naked, middle-aged, transient woman.

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The “Fiesta” festival in Santa Barbara is kicking off its 87th annual Old Spanish Days celebration today in downtown Santa Barbara to commemorate the community’s cultural heritage.

The festival runs from August 3 to 7 and features street parades, traditional Spanish and Mexican food vendors, tours and dances. This year’s event also marks the Santa Barbara Mission’s 225th anniversary and highlights the historic landmark’s important role in the region.

According to 2011 La Presidenta Joanne Funari, this year’s theme of “Celebrate Santa Barbara” aims to unite the community in honor of its tenacious citizens.

“It is a celebration of life, history, community and cultural diversity — a celebration of Santa Barbara,” Funari said in an online statement. “My theme, ‘Celebrate Santa Barbara,’ is inspired by the resilience, camaraderie and strength of our community.”

This event schedule includes Thursday’s Professional Bull Riders Challenger Tour, Friday’s Fiesta Stock Horse Show and Rodeo and Sunday’s West Coast Symphony 45th Annual Free Fiesta Concert.

Gaucho Alumni Public Information Officer Kathryn McKee said about 100,000 people are expected to attend this year’s gala.

“Attendance is back up this year — that’s good news,” McKee said. “It’s a win-win for everybody. Tourism is a very important component to the economy.”

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Dear Reader,

I want to tell you about something that frustrates me: apathy. I’ve learned a lot during my three years at UCSB. My classes have taught me about real issues like Congressional decision making and the beginnings of the Israeli-Palestine conflict. I’ve learned how to write more concisely and how to analyze more critically. But most of my learning hasn’t been in a classroom or taken from a textbook. Most of my learning has come from you, the students.

As a Resident Assistant I’ve learned about diversity, responsibility and compassion. As County editor I’ve learned about my community and the issues we face as students. But as your Artsweek editor, I’ve learned something else about students — how many opportunities we skate past.

Art is my life. It is the common thread that connects all humans. It is feeling and expression. It’s a continual reflection on human interaction, joys and struggles.

Growing up I acted in plays and musicals, sang in choir and cafes and played violin in symphonies and open-mic events. These experiences shaped me and introduced me to people with different backgrounds and stories. Art opened up a new part of me I never knew existed. Art is what motivates me and keeps me feeling alive.

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The Santa Barbara County Board of Supervisors unanimously approved Isla Vista’s fourth Five-Year Implementation Plan yesterday during their weekly meeting.

The agenda prioritizes projects in the I.V. Master Plan — the region’s long-term beautification project — in five-year increments to renovate local businesses, create more affordable housing, improve streets and protect the local environment. The Santa Barbara County Redevelopment Agency is responsible for funding and managing the area’s development plans.

Associated Students External Vice President of Local Affairs Cori Lantz, a fourth-year political science major, said representatives from A.S. attended the meeting to encourage the Board’s vote in favor of the agenda.

“By enforcing this implementation plan, they’re enforcing what residents express that they need,” Lantz said. “After six months of interactive community discussions during the Project Area Committee meetings and drafting various versions of the plan, the RDA developed this comprehensive version that directly represents the vision of the community.”

The outline includes the EVPLA’s recommended Isla Vista street and sidewalk lighting improvements. Lantz said the association received numerous complaints regarding sexual harassment and other assaults due to inadequate visibility within the area.

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Local volunteers rallied together to help remove hazardous debris from the Santa Barbara Harbor during Saturday’s fifth annual Operation Clean Sweep.

Nine volunteer divers swept the sea floor underneath Marina 1’s ‘A’ through ‘D’ docks Saturday morning and collected various debris such as toilets, bicycles and fire extinguishers. Several local ocean conservation groups including Santa Barbara Channelkeeper, Surfrider Foundation, Santa Barbara Maritime Museum, Channel Islands National Marine Sanctuary, harbor dive businesses, local fisherman and dock workers joined to sponsor the event.

Harbor Operations Manager Mick Kronman said the collaborative effort — supplemented by safety boats and heavy-lifting vessels — has removed thousands of tons of trash from the harbor within the last five years.

“It’s easier to understand if you think of it as pulling the plug of a bathtub and cleaning out all the litter on the floor of the tub,” Kronman said. “Over the years, we’ve fished up more than 15,000 tons of debris.”

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Once Marcus Mumford opened his mouth, I melted. That raspy, deep voice is enchanting. I honestly had to stop myself from daydreaming so I could focus on the opening song, “Sigh No More.”

Now, I’m a strong believer that there is almost nothing sexier than four Englishmen who are both vocally and musically talented. I have been working on this thesis for a long time now, and I think Mumford has proved it. Hey, you can’t argue with science.

Mumford & Sons charmed a sold-out Santa Barbara Bowl Monday night, playing a 100-minute set of old and new songs.

Unfortunately, I missed The Tallest Man on Earth — opener and musical genius — play his set. I was able to hear “Love is All” from the will call line and I kicked myself for arriving late. Needless to say, next time Kristian Matsson is playing, I will be early.

After Matsson exited the stage, the mixed crowd of twentysomethings and middle-aged folk lovers headed to the beer station where they anxiously puffed on their cigarettes in anticipation of the headliners. The poor sound check guy must be so sick of people cheering after he strokes the first chord, mistaking him for the band — because I am. Either give the guy some credit — like really, he still wants to make it big — or get it through your head that no band can set up and be ready in five minutes.

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A UCSB student who appeared to be the victim of sexual violence was found on campus Friday morning, lying in the middle of the South Hall roundabout dressed only in a thong and torn bra.

However, the student in question was not actually a rape victim from the night before — she was an artist completing an Art 7A project about the horrors of rape and the way one’s peers would react to a victim of rape. According to artist and third-year art studio major Kiki Niebuhr, she chose to physically present herself as a rape victim in a way that was hard to ignore.

“It’s a confession project, and my confession is that I don’t have strong faith in my peers to help me out,” Niebuhr said. “We all know someone whether we know it or not that has been in a compromising situation like this. I’m very sensitive to the topic — my intent is never to harm anyone. If anything, I want to give courage to rape victims to get help. I want to encourage my peers to help someone when they need it most.”

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Don’t Drink and ‘Roid…

Saturday, April 2, 7:17 p.m. — Officers rushed to respond to a call that a man had been physically assaulted — by two girls. Choking back their chuckles, the officers entered the scene to find frantic employees and confused bro onlookers. The fanatical female in the pink tank top had finished wailing on the baffled male who stood defeated outside the restaurant. But, like any great story, there are always two sides.

The Pink Hulk, who was breathing heav- ily and still filled with raging adrenaline, told officers the man called her a “bitch” and shoved her, causing her to defend herself by harkening back to the third grade and forcefully thrusting him back. She then said her benevolent — albeit morally twisted — friend came to assist her by bullying the man she had literally never met before.

The battered boy said the crazy chicks came over to him and, unprovoked, started yelling at him. He said she then punched him in the face and he backed away, most likely fearing she was hopped up on steroids, or perhaps PMS-ing, and experiencing a hormonal overload.

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