When I went to a fraternity party with my sorority sisters, I didn’t expect to eventually find myself experiencing a real-life nightmare. I drank alcohol only during the first hour of the party. I was drunk but maintained control.
Several hours later, I went to my best friend’s boyfriend’s room, which was filled with people I knew. My fraternity crush talked to me. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place. I replied, “I don’t want to have sex.” He tried talking me into sex. I was very clear that the answer was no. I was about to get another beer, so my crush eagerly offered to grab it for me. I agreed, thinking nothing of it. I was surprised that my can was already popped open, but I trusted him. After all, he had been a perfect gentleman while accompanying me at my sorority’s date party earlier in the year. I began to feel very drunk after only drinking half a beer and set the can down. I don’t even remember standing up off of the couch or leaving the room in the fraternity.
The guy had slipped the date-rape drug into my drink.
I awoke naked and completely confused at my crush’s residence. I had severe amnesia and didn’t remember anything that had happened since I set the beer down. I couldn’t move my legs, which felt like lead. I remember gaining consciousness as this guy began to rape me. My eyesight was blurry and I was in a heavily sedated state. I lost consciousness again while he was still raping me. I regained consciousness as he finished and I looked up in horror and shock. I couldn’t move my body nor speak due to being so incapacitated. I was so out of it, I couldn’t even think. I passed out right after that. I woke up, frightened and still confused, to him raping me again in the morning. The last time we were both completely sober and he forced me against my will.
I said, “I don’t want to do this!”
He applied more force and replied, “You can sleep while I do this.”
I tried to physically resist, but he overpowered my 108-pound body. He held my body down as he raped me. I didn’t have a choice and was helpless. I later found out that he raped me three additional times that night, once when I was asleep and had apparently said “no.” He told a fraternity brother we had nonconsensual sex, too. He didn’t feel bad and wasn’t sorry.
The chemical left me with a fuzzy-headed, tired feeling all day. I was extremely sore from being raped multiple times. My body couldn’t stop shaking for a week. I lost weight. I cried every day and lost my desire to belong to my own sorority. I missed classes and received endless extensions on papers. I’m still traumatized from being raped. I have nightmares and trouble sleeping. I feel so anxious that I can’t make eye contact with guys anymore. Memories and flashbacks haunt me. His criminal actions humiliated me and took my control, trust and self-confidence.
Pressing charges allowed me to regain some control. My case was quickly submitted to the D.A. But, according to the rape counselor, not much can be done when a sexual assault is not a brutal rape involving a stranger with a knife.
I never thought it would happen to me.
I’m slowly beginning to piece my life back together. However, the pain will never completely fade. It’s going to take a long time to feel like myself again. The Women’s Center and my sorority have helped me through their support. I have a deep respect for the IVFP, which helped me out. I decided to help other sorority girls by not remaining silent. Most importantly, I took a stand against my rapist. People may choose what to believe, but it will never change the truth that I was sexually assaulted. As a rape survivor, I don’t care if the entire UCSB community hates me for speaking out.
In some rape cases, the criminal might be a stranger who intruded through an unlocked door. However, an acquaintance rapist might be the nice guy in your film studies class. He might be someone you considered to be a friend until he proved that wrong by raping you. He could even be your own fraternity brother. My rape was a bad reflection on his fraternity, the greek system and UCSB itself. When people joke about date-rape drugs, I mention how GHB is a real problem in I.V. I know most males aren’t rapists, but hopefully people’s eyes have been somewhat opened. I urge guys to make wise decisions in the future before ruining a woman’s life by choosing to commit a sexual assault. Please be a real man and respect a woman’s “no.”
Kristen Agostini is a UCSB alumna.