I Cannot Tell a Lie, Officer…
Thursday, Nov. 9, 2:24 a.m. — Deputies arrested a 20-year-old man after he accidentally turned himself in to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol office for public intoxication.

The self-incriminating subject stumbled into the station, which was full of officers, as he was looking for his misplaced cell phone.

His speech was slurred and incoherent, but deputies managed to find out that the man had walked to the station from his residence on Madrid Road after chugging copious amounts of vodka.

The man then handed over the keys to his home and car, and announced to the officers that he was “officially drunk.”

Because the soused subject could not maintain his balance throughout the duration of incident — and had to hold onto a desk to keep from toppling over — the deputies decided that the man was too inebriated to make it home safely and arrested him for public intoxication without further incident.

The man was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Poor Richard’s Police Report
Sunday, Nov. 12, 2:12 a.m. — An IVFP officer was dispatched to Garden Court Apartments on El Colegio Road after receiving a call for service from the building’s manager.

When the deputy arrived, he found a 21-year-old man passed out on the concrete floor of the structure’s garage.

The man was sprawled on the ground, lying with half of his body in the garage and the other half in the lane of traffic.

The manager told the officer that the subject, Richard, lived in the apartment complex last year — and that this was the third time he had passed out in a drunken stupor at the building.

The officer attempted to wake the man, and, after yelling at Dick numerous times and forcefully prodding him, the subject became semi-conscious.

He turned to the officer and said, “I haven’t hurt anyone. I just want to go home and go to bed.”

Because of all the alcohol impairing his performance, the man had trouble getting up and could not maintain his balance.

The limp lawbreaker was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Out-of-Towner, Out-of-Line
Wednesday, Nov. 8, 5:45 p.m. — IVFP deputies arrested a 20-year-old man from Oregon outside of Keg ’N’ Bottle liquor store after he allegedly stole a $30 bottle of Corazon tequila.

The subject said he went into the store to buy a cigar and saw that the store clerks were busy, so he decided to filch the bottle. During questioning, the subject told officers, “I made a stupid mistake. I’m sorry.”

While the officers accepted the man’s apology, it did not stop them from arresting him. During booking, a deputy attempted to get the subject’s name, but he repeatedly provided false information to the officer.

After three record checks, the man finally provided the officer with his actual name and said, “I’m sorry. You guys are way smarter than Oregon cops.”

Realizing he had failed to outwit the officers, the man proceeded to admit that he and members of his rock band back home always used fake IDs during run-ins with the less-savvy law officers in Oregon. This confession did not make things better.

The deputy asked the man if he had any drugs on his person. The blunt burglar replied, “No. We smoked all of them.”

After booking, the man was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where officers searched his belongings and clothing. Things only got worse there — a deputy discovered a small bag of weed in the subject’s left sock.

Because stupidity is not an illegal offense, the man was charged with petty theft and knowingly bringing a controlled substance into jail, along with providing false information to a peace officer.

The man was housed at the facility, pending bail.
— Compiled by Nikki Moore