Did you ever have one of those days? You know the ones. You’re all sweaty from biking and trying to keep up with your good buddy, Mr. †berbiker, who apparently left his cape and tights at home. So you try to stop in front of a group of friends but instead lose your balance going that incredibly fast two miles per hour and land bottom-first in that puddle - oh, please God, let it be water. As you smile, on the outside, and laugh “with” your friends, you start off for home, only to have the bird of paradise drop on your shoulder a small, not so Downey-fresh scented, reminder of what this day is really all about. Ever have one of those days? Yeah? Um… no? Oh. Yeah. Me neither. But I knew this guy once…

Okay, let’s get to the point. We’ve all had those days. Well, maybe not exactly like that, but something similar. Bad things never happen by themselves. They say it all comes in threes. I’ve personally discovered it doesn’t necessarily end after the third “God Hates Me” event. There are plenty of rounds left in that bazooka. But when you’ve been having the worst day and it ends, not with the needed hug and comforting “It’s going to be just fine,” but instead with Smokey in your mirror. It’s time to find a reason that you can point your finger at to say why you got that speeding ticket.

I’ve gotten at least three speeding tickets since I started going to UCSB. Lots of my friends drive faster than I do, but only I get tickets. Isn’t it true that cops go after red cars and red cars get more tickets?

I’ve gotten this question a few times and I think it definitely deserves a response. I’m hesitant to answer specifics since I don’t have all of the info on your particular situation. You say you have a red car. But is it dark red? Or maybe firebrick red? If it’s maroon, that’s a whole other column. Me personally? It’s the fuchsia cars I go after. Oh, and you drivers of tomato-red cars, don’t think I’m not keeping my eye on you scofflaws.

Enough sarcasm. No, the color of your car is not what is causing you to get tickets. Call it luck or karma, but you just happened to be speeding when a cop was watching. We don’t get bonus points for catching red cars, or any other color cars. It’s generally the speed of the car that makes us pay extra attention to you. Except maybe salmon-colored cars, I don’t like them.

With so many people using iPod nowadays, what’s the rule about wearing earphones while riding your bike?

Well, not to be to persnickety, but they are called “Ear Buds.” You know, like “Air Bud,” that cool dog who could play basketball and make three-point shots by bumping the ball off his nose? That was cool. Until he started playing football - then it was just getting silly.

Anyway, in California you are not allowed to wear earphones while you are driving. This also applies to wearing them while you are riding your bike. This applies to skateboarding as well. Does it matter if the music is on or off? Nope. Whether you’re listening to Anthrax, Def Leppard or the other King of Heavy Metal, Gheorghe Zamfir and his pan flute, or just have earphones on to prevent the tsetse fly from laying eggs on your brain, you have to take at least one of them off while riding or driving. Ahem… did you catch that last bit?

That’s right. Just one. You can ride around with one ear blasting away to the smooth sounds of sexy soul as long as the other ear is open and available for business. It’s good to know the rules, isn’t it? That’s why I’m here.

Ticked off by a ticket? Party popped by the Patrol? If you got questions, don’t let it eat away at you. Ask questions. Call or e-mail me anytime. Mark.Signa@police.ucsb.edu or the Crime Prevention Office at 893-4063.